Are you having trouble finding your voice? Is it a struggle to speak up with your opinions, thoughts, and knowledge?
Do you constantly find yourself in situations where the words are on the tip of your tongue - yet you remain silent? Maybe you fear what others will think of you. Or maybe you don’t believe that you’re “qualified” enough. Either way, it’s a cycle you can’t seem to escape.
Well, sister, I’m here to tell you don’t need to *feel* confident in order to speak confidently. (Sounds crazy, and backwards, but it’s true!) And I’m going to prove it to you through the 3 practical tips! It’s time to give your voice power, sister!
Show Notes:
Intro
Alright, friend. Let’s talk about confidence - which is a main component of being an empowered Christian woman. But sometimes it can feel so unattainable, right?
On one hand, you have this desire to speak up. To give voice to your thoughts, feelings, and knowledge. To help impact decisions, cast a vision, and make a difference.
But on the other hand, you’re struggling to actually speak the words. They’re right there - on the tip of your tongue - and yet you just can’t seem to get them out.
And this can be for any number of reasons. Maybe you’re afraid of how people will react. What they’ll do or say; or what they’ll think of you. Maybe you don’t consider yourself quote/unquote “qualified” to speak up.
Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you need more knowledge, training, or experience so that someday, in the future, when you’ve met this goal you’ve created...that’s when you’ll finally have confidence.
And in that moment, the idea is that you’ll finally feel confident - which means you’ll be able to act confidently. You’ll have transformed into one of those women you admire that just seem to approach everything without reservation. You know, the ones that don’t hesitate to speak their minds or to take action- even when they’re facing opposing views. One of those amazing women.
Unfortunately…this is not quite how it works. Feelings are flighty things. They’re ever changing. You can feel something for a season - and then suddenly feel a completely different way. Or you can feel one way in a given moment - and then suddenly, in a heartbeat, that emotion can change to something else entirely.
Emotions are important, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you should ignore your emotions. But if you wait until you feel confident in order to act with confidence - or even to start building your confidence - you’re probably going to be waiting a long time.
That might sound like a contradiction, I know. Or simply illogical.
But let’s break this down through the lens of my three tips that will help you make progress in this area. Because as we go through them, things will become clearer.
Tip #1: Remember that your ultimate confidence comes from God
When we think about confidence, we tend to think about the confidence we have in ourselves. And that is, in fact, one of the definitions of the word. Confidence is defined as: “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.” Or, to put in another way, the knowledge that you’re capable. That you got this, right?
However, the word confidence has several use cases and definitions. And another one of those definitions is: “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.”
For our purposes, I’m going to ignore the word “feeling” here because I want to zero in on the word “belief.” Being that we are ladies who believe in God.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with feeling confident in ourselves. I want to make that clear. There’s nothing wrong with feeling capable. In a lot of ways, as we grow in knowledge and experience, and just generally move through life, we grow in confidence. We grow in understanding how capable we are in certain areas. And that’s a part of being a Jesus empowered woman.
But as a Jesus empowered women, we also serve a God who routinely asks us to leave our comfort zones. Whether that’s because He’s growing and transforming us. Or because we’re called to serve in a way that’s inherently uncomfortable. (Such as being called into a situation or culture that’s different.) And when we do those things, who do we turn to in order to help us? God. Jesus.
Hebrews 13:6: “So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”
Jeremiah 17:7: “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.”
What was that second definition for confidence that we read a minute ago: “the belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust (italics added).”
The point I’m trying to make here is that the world’s definition of confidence solely depends on your own feelings and assessment of yourself. So going back to the first definition that we read: “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.” This is all about what’s happening inward.
But trusting in the Lord…that’s looking outward. Externally to ourselves. It’s not about our state - it’s about who He is. Which never changes, right?
Instead of basing our level of confidence in a situation based on how we feel emotionally, or how capable we think we are, we need to base it in Him. In our trust in Him.
That’s true for speaking up in that work meeting. That’s true for saying “yes” to that new opportunity. That’s true for speaking up among your friends instead of caving to peer pressure or people pleasing. That’s true for sharing your life experiences with those God can love and encourage through you. This applies to all situations, big or small.
Otherwise, if we don’t do it this way, then the building of our confidence not only becomes harder because we’re basing it on our emotions or the beliefs we have about ourselves. It can also become victim to other issues that we might currently have (which might be things Jesus wants to break in us) such as fear of man, people pleasing, perfectionism, and maybe even our academic minds wanting to read all the books first in order to be fully prepared.
So because we’re not trusting Jesus, instead of moving forward and building our confidence, we stand still. We stay frozen.
Which brings me to tip #2:
Tip #2: Remember that building confidence requires taking action
I’m going to say that again: building confidence requires action. And I know that might sound scary if you’ve been waiting to obtain a certain level of confidence before speaking or acting confidently. Or if you’ve been waiting for that feeling of confidence or belief in yourself to a certain degree.
But here’s the thing, friend: confidence is like anything else. It has to be practiced. Like a muscle, it has to be used in order to get stronger. The more you take action; the more you engage; the more you speak up… the more you grow in experience and capability.
Now, you might be thinking, “That sounds nice in theory. But how exactly do I start speaking up, or engaging, or taking action?”
The answer lies in two parts. One, you need to base your confidence in Jesus.
Everything always - always - comes back to Jesus.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
If finding your voice and speaking up, or making decisions, or overcoming specific challenges to either of those things, feels like a weakness right now…if it’s an area that’s in-progress…sister, always remember that Jesus has you. He will meet you where you’re at.
Being confident is not about suddenly being perfect in an area. Besides, as a Christian, you will never likely feel 100% confident all the time when it comes to each situation. (Given how Jesus leads us outside of our comfort zones.) But you can be 100% confident in your God, and His never-changing character, and the truth that He is always with you.
The second part of this answer is that you need to base your confidence in your identity in Him.
You are a Daughter of the King. A follower of Christ. You have immeasurable value to your Heavenly Father who knit you together in your mother’s womb. Speaking up and engaging with the world comes from that identity first and foremost.
Not from fear, or lies from the Enemy, or what others think about you, or what culture says you should be…your identity, and who you are based on that identity, is rooted in God.
So why do you speak up in the work meetings? Why do you share your thoughts in your church small group? Why do you engage in new activities? Why do you stand up to the person who’s abusing you?
Because your identity is in God and He created you to have a voice - not to be silent. Even though, as women, we’re often made to feel as if we should be silent. Or, we convince ourselves that it’s better to be silent. For any number of reasons.
And yet 2 Timothy 1:7 says: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
Did you catch that? We’re not to be timid. In other words, we’re not to be silent.
Not at work. Not in church. Not at home. Not at the grocery store. Not with friends. Not with family. Not with strangers. Etc. Of course, we want to speak and act with wisdom, love, and self-discipline. But my point here is that we’re to use the voice God has given us.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about what we say or do. It matters first and foremost what God thinks. And that’s highly foundational to our confidence.
But, you have to take action. You have to exercise this muscle.
And you can start small. Find little areas where you can start making a change. Bring up your ideas in those work meetings instead of staying silent, imagining the worst. Zero in on those decisions that you’ve been putting off for fear of making the quote/unquote “wrong one” - and do what you need to in order to make a choice. Choose to move forward versus stay stuck or paralyzed.
Take those first few steps, which will then become slightly bigger steps, which will continue to build your confidence in what you can achieve. And even as you feel as if you’re fumbling your way through, or people don’t react well, or you’re not sure how much progress you’re making…stay rooted in Jesus. He’s got you.
Tip #3: Accept that acting confidently means that you’re going to come up against opposition - and move forward anyway
I know, I know. This is one of my quote/unquote “tips” that isn’t so warm and fuzzy.
But I’m not doing you any favors by ignoring reality. Satan is not a fan of us ladies being confident - especially if it means we’re empowered Jesus maidens, impacting the world.
I truly believe this is one of the areas where the Enemy loves to try and keep us from growing into. Meaning, as soon as a woman acts with confidence, something happens to make her rethink doing so again. (Especially if she’s just starting to flex her confidence muscles.)
And that something can be a straight attack from the Enemy. Or he can work through things in our culture such as misgnony, sexism, etc. (Or, to be more accurate, people who align themselves with those things.)
So I can’t simply give you tips on how to tactically move forward and make progress without (a) addressing the reality of opposition, and (b) encouraging you not to let it keep you from growing.
I know this might sound uncomfortable - especially if you struggle with conflict or fear of man issues. But keep in mind, I’m not saying that you need to react or confront every person who makes a sexist comment. We should also use wisdom and discretion as to whether we should respond - and if so, how - because Satan loves to distract us. That’s one of his favorite tactics. And we also don’t want to pour time and energy into something that’s simply meant to throw us off course.
What I do want you to do is not let it stop your progress. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if they say something that hurts or hits you in a sensitive area. Take it to Jesus. Pray over it. Have a good cry or dig into a tub of ice cream. Do what you need to do to deal with it in a healthy way. But don’t let it keep you from growing in confidence in Jesus.
Because here’s the thing…those Christian women that you look up to and admire…who always seem super confident…and never shaken up or tossed off course…
It’s not that these women never face opposition…they’ve just learned to not give it a say or power in their lives that shouldn’t exist. They’ve learned how to discern between what’s worth engaging in and what’s meant as a distraction…and how to act accordingly. They’ve flexed their confidence muscles to the point where they’re big and bulging. And they’ve consistently worked on deepening their relationship with the Lord, and basing their confidence in Him first and foremost, so that they’re way less shaken or swayed by other factors like their feelings at the time, or their level of comfortability, or what others say, etc.
Again, everything comes back to Jesus; is rooted in Jesus.
Wrap-up
Sister, I truly pray that this episode has helped you to feel equipped, empowered, and motivated to really lean into building your confidence. Remember that your identity and confidence are ultimately rooted in Jesus above all else. Start taking those small steps of action and flexing your confidence muscles. Reward yourself when you speak up and make progress. And don’t let opposition, whether it’s from the Enemy or other people, keep you from progressing and growing.
Just because you don’t feel confident doesn’t mean you can’t grow in confidence. I am living proof of that. Take care, friend, and I will see you in the next episode!