In this episode, I share more about how this truth has played out in my own life — and the steps you can take to make it real in yours.
Starting Fresh vs. Starting Over
In last week’s episode, I talked about the end of marriage back in 2011. To quickly recap:
I gave my heart to Jesus (or, to put it another way, entered into a real relationship with God) two years into my marriage.
My ex-husband was very narcissistic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. He also had no interest in God.
When I stood up to my ex-husband in those final months, his reaction was to divorce me.
So in my early 30s, I had no option but to move back in with my mother in a neighboring state with nothing but: a degree (and no job); a few thousand dollars; my dog at the time; and whatever material possessions fit into my CR-V and my mother’s mini van.
The end of my marriage wasn’t my fault – I knew that. I had endured more than I probably should have over the 9.5 years of marriage.
And I made the absolute right decision to stand up for myself.
Yet in the situation I found myself in – living with my mother, no idea how to support myself, or where my life was going – for most people, it wouldn’t have been far-fetched to think I needed a do-over.
Meaning, if I failed at that marriage, I needed to be successful at a new one. I needed to do the same thing – get married – but be successful this time.
I could’ve chosen to focus on dating, and finding a man to love and support me, and on getting married again. I could’ve focused on starting over.
God, however, had other plans. He didn’t want me to start over. He wanted me to have a fresh start.
Starting over means doing the same thing.
I had married my ex-husband mainly because I was failing at my job at the time and worried about supporting myself.
If I focused on starting over, I’d be doing the same thing again. Seeking marriage for the wrong reasons. Even if I married a Christian man, I’d still be repeating the cycle.
And in a lot of ways, I’d be the same person.
God had done a lot of internal work in me during the seven years I’d known Him at this point. It’s why I was able to stand up to my ex-husband in the end.
But there was a lot more He needed to heal, and teach me, and areas He needed to grow me in.
So what He wanted for me wasn’t a do-over. He wanted me to have a fresh start. And honestly, what better time to begin one after the removal of such a horrible influence and power and source of chaos and harm in my life?
Thus, because I chose to focus on God – and what He wanted and where He was leading me – instead of repeating old cycles, I was able to experience a fresh start.
Without my ex-husband in the mix, I was closer to God than ever before. And He began to work on things such as my self-confidence and self-esteem; what I was capable of doing; how I could support myself and build a career with His help.
As time passed, He not only helped me build a new life for myself. He helped me become a better version of myself. It was a fresh start all-around.
One that eventually led me to where I am today.
And if God sees fit to bring a man into my life – one that He has for me – then I’ll be entering into that relationship as a completely different person than I was back in 2011. Which means it will be a completely different relationship on multiple fronts.
2 Biblical Women Who Chose a Fresh Start
The Bible is full of accounts of fresh starts instead of starting over.
For example, there’s the story of Rahab which begins in Joshua Chapters 2 and 6.
Rahab protected the spies from Israel when they entered Jericho, seeing as how the king’s men were looking for them.
In return, she was promised that she and her entire family would be spared when the Israelites took the city.
In Joshua 6:22-24 (NLT) we read, “Meanwhile, Joshua said to the two spies, “Keep your promise. Go to the prostitute’s house and bring her out, along with all her family.” The men who had been spies went in and brought out Rahab, her father, mother, brothers, and all the other relatives who were with her. They moved her whole family to a safe place near the camp of Israel. Then the Israelites burned the town and everything in it. Only the things made from silver, gold, bronze, or iron were kept for the treasury of the Lord’s house. So Joshua spared Rahab the prostitute and her relatives who were with her in the house, because she had hidden the spies Joshua sent to Jericho. And she lives among the Israelites to this day.
Notice that the Israelites didn’t simply bring Rahab and her family outside the city and see her off, forcing her to be in a position of starting over. Going to another town, setting up another home, and continuing to be a prostitute to earn money. (A vocation that would be very hard, if not impossible, to leave.)
Instead, the Israelites set Rahab and her family up as part of them.
In fact, when we read the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1, we see Rahab listed as the wife of Salmon and the mother of Boaz (who is featured in the book of Ruth).
God didn’t scold and shame Rahab and then send her on her way to start over. He gave her a fresh start by grafting her into the Israelites – and the genealogy of Jesus.
We see the same concept in the book of Ruth.
Naomi and her husband move from Judah (where there was a famine) to the country of Moab.
Naomi’s husband dies, but her sons grow-up and marry. One to Ruth and the other to a woman named Orpah. Ten years later, however, both of the sons die.
Naomi decides to move back to Judah since the famine has ended there. Ruth and Orpah set out with her. But along the way, she appeals to them to return to their homeland.
In Ruth 1:8 (NLT), she says, “Go back to your mothers’ homes. And may the Lord reward you for your kindness to your husbands and to me. May the Lord bless you with the security of another marriage.” Then she kissed them good-bye, and they all broke down and wept.
In essence, Naomi is appealing to them to return to the familiarity of their homeland and start over. For a woman in this time and culture, remarriage made sense. That was how they were provided for. And what better place to do so than in their homeland?
Orpah decides to return home. But Ruth refuses to do so. In Ruth 1:16-18 (NLT) she tells Naomi, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!” When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said nothing more.
Ruth chose to start fresh. She chose to leave her homeland – and therefore everything she knew except for Naomi – and replant herself in a new country, with Naomi’s God, and Naomi’s people.
And because Ruth chose to start fresh, she ended up marrying Boaz and also becoming part of the genealogy of Jesus. In Matthew 1:5, right below the note about Rahab being the wife of Salmon and the mother of Boaz, we see Ruth listed as the wife of Boaz and the mother of Obed.
And as we keep reading, we realize that she’s the great-grandmother of King David.
Yes, Ruth remarried. But her marriage was rooted in starting fresh instead of simply returning home – to what was familiar – and starting over.